Thursday, 31 October 2013

New Article: Mummified Punkins with the Ocean Shores Pirate!

Ocean Shores Pirate = Mummy!

A Very Mummified Halloween

Well, today is Halloween, so it’s time once again to do some sorta Halloween craft with our friend the Ocean Shores Pirate! How have you been, OCP?

Could… could it be true? Be that ye, Chris? I ain’t heard hide nor hair o’ ye for these many long years!

Yeah, I know, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written a Halloween article. Sorry about that.

Wait, wait just a wee minute. Ain’t yer wife caught the preggers? Ain’t she right fittin’ t’ pop out a wee beb any moment?

Why, yes, she is!

Then what in blazes be ye doin’ writin’ a damned Halloween article at all!? Shouldn’t ye be a frantic mess gettin’ the house ready fer a wee one t’ come into yer life an’ fill it with various bodily fluids like puke an’ poop!?

Well, OCP, there’s this magic thing called pre-scheduling blog posts. I actually wrote this article last weekend! As far as I know, Carrie & I could be at the hospital having a wee baby as this is being auto-published.

So, then, none o’ this be really happenin’ right now? This be in the far past? Does this be real life? Aaaagh, me head! It hurts t’ think ’bouts it! I needs me booze!

Careful, now. Don’t drink too much or you’re the one who’ll be filling my life with puke and poop.

Har-har-har! It be far too late fer that! Don’t open the bottom left drawer in yer kitchen cabinet if ye value yer sanity… and sanitation!

Great, I’ll have to clean that up later…

So, *hic* what do we be doin’ this year?

Well, this year I thought we’d make some Mummy Punkins.

Ye mean wrappin’ a punkin in some damned bandages? Ain’t that a wee bit simple, even fer the likes of us with our booze-addled brains?

I haven’t had any booze.

Mebbe not, but yer in close proximity t’ me, an’ I been drinkin’ since 4:00 tuesday of three years ago! Ye might be gettin’ second-hand drunk just by bein’ around me!

Anyway, no, not wrapping punkins in gauze. I have a technique on how to actually carve a punkin into a mummy face! Here’s what you do:

Step 1:
After you cut off the top of your punkin and take out all the guts, draw a whole bunch of mummy bandage lines all around your punkin. Imagine you were wrapping gauze around the punkin, and then draw the lines like that. Make sure that they actually look as much like bandages as possible, with parallel lines and what-not. Also keep in mind that you should leave space for an eye or two, and maybe even a mouth if you want.

Step 1: Draw a Mummy.

Step 1: Draw a Mummy.

Aye, I be wantin’ an eye on me punkin. That’s how I can see me hooch. And I be wantin’ a mouth on me punkin. Ye know why?

Because that’s how you can drink your hooch?

Because that’s how I can drink me… oh… ye guessed correctly. Good on ye, mate.

It wasn’t that difficult to guess.

So we got ourselves some o’ them mummy bandages drawn on th’ punkin. But in the nighttime it’ll be plenty dark, an’ drawin’ little lines on a punkin ain’t that visible (nor impressive) in th’ dark!

That’s true! We’re just going to be using those lines as guides.

Guidelines, ye might say?

Yes, actually, you might.

Step 2:
Scrape the skin under those lines right off the punkin. That way when it’s lit from the inside…

Lit from the inside? Like with one o’ them candles? Or with me vomit that’s so infused with hooch that it be more flammable than gasoline?

I’m gonna say probably a candle. When the punkin is lit from within with a candle, the scraped-away lines will be slightly lit-up and visible!

Well, that seems t’be right an’ proper an’ all. What we be usin’ t’ scrape them lines, though? Booze? Hooch? Alchoohole?

How do you pronounce “alchoohole?”

Beats me! Har-har!

No, what, I found works best for scraping lines is actually just a regular old spoon. Put some muscle into it and you can scrape the skin off the punkin in nice, ragged, ¼″ to ½″ wide lines:

Step 2: Scrape Them Mummy Lines!

Step 2: Scrape Them Mummy Lines!

Well, now it be lookin’ like a punkin’ with a bunch o’ glowin’ lines runnin’ all over it. It don’t be lookin’ quite like no mummy t’ me.

Well, there’s one more step.

Step 3
Hey, remember in Step 1 when I told you to leave space for an eye or two and a mouth?

Chris, I ain’t umemberin’ what me name be. How can I be expected t’umember what ye said a whoppin’ three minutes ago? All’s I can umember is what type o’ booze I been drikin’.

What type is that?

Hooch. Hooch-type booze.

…Great. Anyhoo, now you should find those empty face-part spaces and cut out your eye(s) and mouth, all the way through the punkin like a classic Jack-o-lantern!

Step 3: Carve a Mummy Face.

Step 3: Carve a Mummy Face.

And there you have it. It’s a mummified punkin!

Arrr, it be so beautiful! I wanna take it out onna date to a fancy restaurant t’ eat a steak an’ a salad with them mixed baby greens!

Really?

Ye think beer goggles be powerful? Ye ain’t ne’er seen through hooch-type-booze googles! That squished bug on yer car’s windshield be lookin’ like a damned Playboy centerfold t’ me right now!

Step 4:
Do a test lighting of your punkin. Look to see how visible the bandage lines are. If you can’t see them very well, try scraping the inside walls of the punkin so that the whole thing is thinner. The thinner it is, the brighter the lines will be!

And that’s how you carve a mummified punkin!

Ye think yer all the such a big-shot, don’t ye? Well, all ye shown me so far is some crappy drawin’s o’ punkins! There ain’t no way in Hades this whole idea’ll werk on a real damned punkin! Roar! I be a belligerent drunk today, apparently! *hic*

I actually tried this technique out recently, and it came out pretty good! Here’s my prototype mummified punkin right here (that actually won first-prize at a punkin’ carving contest):

Award-Winning Mummy Punkin

Award-Winning Mummy Punkin

It’s not perfect; there are a couple of botched lines, and the proportions could have been better, but I think it came out pretty well!

Although, I don’t remember lighting a candle inside of it. Ocean Shores Pirate, did…

Aye, I vomited all up in yer mummy punkin! Vomited hard! It came pourin’ out me gullet like water outta a fire hose! It were so saturated with booze that I just glanced at it and the heat from me piercing gaze lit it ablaze!

Well, thanks, I guess. What do you think of the mummified punkins now that you see a real one?

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Categories: Articles.

One thought on “New Article: Mummified Punkins with the Ocean Shores Pirate!”

  1. What’s crazy is that when this article auto-posted, Carrie & I actually WERE in the hospital having a wee baby!

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