Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Continuing with yesterday’s theme of posting other people’s “best of 2013” choices, here is the list that Jon Hendren, a comedy “writer” and Twitter power-player with over 70K followers who managed to snag the username @fart, made of his favorite tweets of 2013. This list was originally published on The Birdpole. But who wants to click to another website? You don’t wanna do that! So I recreated it here, on this best website of EVER.
This is some seriously funny stuffs. I giggled like a crazy man while reading this list. Enjoy (NSFW):
In no particular order.
Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.
— Sam (@SamuelRahsaan) March 22, 2013
tool is good because some times you want metallica except about fucking… shell spirals and all the calculator buttons that arent normal
— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) April 25, 2013
I'm looking for 3 Hyper Muscular Latino Grandads to come over and rattle some chains and frighten my large sons into going to bed early
— Ben ''Head Honcho'' (@MuscularSon) January 30, 2013
SON: "I love 70s hits, but I want to hear them faster and played by two dildos from Tron." *excited dad holds up Daft Punk record*
— Jeb Lund (@Mobute) May 13, 2013
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
— ''Steve'' (@extranapkins) January 3, 2013
I came here to chew gum and raise brand awareness, and it looks like I'm all out of Trident™ Layers Wild Strawberry & Lime.
— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) April 8, 2013
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) February 5, 2013
You know what else is gluten-free at this party Kayla? The door.
— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) May 25, 2013
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
— Horton Ahoho (@crushingbort) June 5, 2013
— Michael Hale (@dogboner) July 31, 2013
people overthink porn names. why not Good Sexman. why not Perfect Fucker. why not Hole Genius
— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) January 26, 2013
*mummy wakes up after 5000 years of slumber* graaaaa *bumps head on glass case* dude where the fuck is my triangle house
— sreegs (@ahuj9) November 29, 2013
you can't call them "sneakers" if they light up. your stealth capabilities are severely compromised. fucking idiot 8 year old
— Wario on Christmas (@neonwario) August 4, 2013
"How would you like your eggs?" "Unfertilized." I wink at the waiter. We fall in love. I can't bear children. It ruins our marriage.
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 5, 2013
no YOU'RE taking a pregnancy test in an ihop bathroom
— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) May 21, 2013
a 80s movie style montage of me trying on different condoms and my bros keep shaking their heads
— deg (@degg) January 13, 2013
Bad credit? NO credit? Credit? Bad? Are you bad? No life? Model trains? Do you spend Friday nights playing with model trains?
— Generally Gondry (@Bro_Pair) January 11, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
Um actually… *pushes up glasses* it's "whom bastank"
— The Fuck Turd (@Perfect_Beanis) February 12, 2013
I wish Jim Morrison was alive so I could tell him he sucks.
— Marie Colette (@MarieColette) July 3, 2013
— Betsy Boo Bambo (@sistersome) April 19, 2013
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— woodmuffin (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013
Are those cum stains on my cargo shorts or just misleading shadows??? Good luck figuring it out as I speedwalk past you at incredible pace
— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) September 30, 2013
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 25, 2013
"dave navarro has beautiful hair & does not look like a lesbian magician" – dave navarro
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) September 25, 2013
New Gamer Salute i just cam e up with Gamer 1:Game in Courage Gamer 2: As True Gamers Dare Both in Unison: May We Game Forever
— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) May 20, 2013
babe do you honestly need me to sign the receipt or do you just want the autograph of a man who can afford to spend 15 big ones on breakfast
— John V (@wettbutt) October 1, 2013
A cool prank is wave to a dog. Cuz whats he gonna do about it? Bark? Thats not the same.
— DVS (@DVSblast) June 30, 2013
what you nimrods interpret as spam mail has provided me with several ipads and a massive, powerful penis
— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) April 6, 2013
You Can Be An Atheist And Not Be A Complete Tool About It, Charlie Brown
— big titty LARPer (@rachelmillman) February 18, 2013
I hope I'll be able to turn off all of these social features on the #PS4. If I wanted to be social I wouldn't be playing videogames.
— Andy Levy (@andylevy) February 20, 2013
— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) December 10, 2013