Posts tagged “Botnik”

Monday, 29 October 2018

Halloween Book Review: “Goosebumps: Welcome to Sand Hands”

My God, they're made of sand…

My God, they’re made of sand…

This Halloween season, why not get spooked the heck out? Really, WHY NOT? Is there a better way to get spooked the heck out than by reading a supernaturally spooky book? What book series is more spooky than Goosebumps? Especially a choose-your-own-adventure Goosebumps!?

O gosh, reading this book made me scared that I would die of fear or scares that I might die.

In this book you take on the role of a spooked-the-heck-out teenager (though if you choose one path you skip to when he’s way growed up) who is scared of pretty much everything, and is spookily attracted to his cousin Zoe (she’s just as tall as you are, and she has the most amazing scent you’ve ever seen. Sometimes you bump into her on purpose). Also you might be attracted to your best bud slash basketball teammate Brad. In fact, it’s Brad’s basketball that serves as the catalyst for many of the horrific choices you must make!

But DON’T take my word for it. Just read these spooky excerpts from this relentless fright-fest… IF YOU DARE (YOU SHOULD DARE IT’S AMAZING)

Ho gosh this is scary should I read on?

Ho gosh this is scary should I read on?

O GOSH APPLES! I'm getting pretty scared gang I don't know if I can read much more… okay maybe just a bit more!

O GOSH SPOOKY APPLES! I’m getting pretty scared gang I don’t know if I can read much more… okay maybe just a bit more!

O NO I CANNOT POSSIBLY READ ANYMORE I'M AFEARD OF SCARES!

O NO I CANNOT POSSIBLY READ ANYMORE I’M AFEARD OF SCARES!

That's it I have died of scares and fears that I might die.

That’s it I have died of scares and fears that I might die.

Can you possibly believe how spooky/scary this book is? Is it EVEN POSSIBLE to believe it!?

Look, I don’t want to spoil too much of the spooky surprises (spookprises?), but the two main branches of the book have you either searching for a lost basketball in Zombie Forest (where your hands might become the titular Sand Hands), or flash-forwarding to many years in the future where you have might a confrontation with your vampire stepchildren (in which case your hands might never become the titular Sand Hands). I’m not sure which one made my heart beat like it was about to have a heart attack more.

There are apparently over 20 spooky endings to this book, but I can’t verify that because every time I get to an ending (usually pretty grisly/gross/bad!) I have to put the book down and run away screaming for several hours before the sweat dries and I’ve drunk enough of my own tears to restore my courage to read more. I’m happy to report that I did get one happy ending! I know because the words on the page said, “This is a happy ending” (even though the guitarist of the band Rush was dead at that point—whoops, spoilers!).

So if you’re stout of heart and gut, you should definitely freak yourself the heck out and get super-duper scared by reading Goosebumps: Welcome to Sand Hands. Thankfully, the whole book is online for you to read FOR SPOOKILY FREE!

  • TO READ GOOSEBUMPS: WELCOME TO SAND HANDS NOW, CLICK HERE!!!!
  • TO BE TOO SCARED TO READ IT BECAUSE YOU’RE A BABY WHO LIKES TO SUCK ON THE CORNER OF ITS BLANKET AND CRY AT BIRDS, DO NOT CLICK HERE!

THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU!

Categories: Book Reviews, Books, Holiday, Reviews.

Thursday, 5 April 2018

“Of the Month” April 2018

Comic Book of the Month:

Strike Team: Code Name: Diamond Force

Aside from having one of the greatest names in the history of entertainment, Strike Team: Code Name: Diamond Force is a thoroughly entertaining pastiche (not parody) of late-70s, early-80s low-budget action “extravaganzas.” Mike Tanner’s script pairs with Łukasz Kowalczuk’s skate-punk b&w art style to create something that is at once exactly as it should be and completely unique. This book was a Kickstarter project, so I’m not sure how to get your hands on it now if you missed out on that other than to find Mike or Łukasz at conventions (maybe Mike can hop into the comments to let us know?).

Instagrammer of the Month:

@dana_dooodles

My pal Dana (who was at one time a recurring villain in Fools Play Improv) started a drawing-a-day project in 2018, and it has consistently been one of my favorite Instagram accounts since then. Some real gems have emerged in that time:

I don't believe in astrology.

I don’t believe in astrology.

Believe in Yourself.

Believe in Yourself – Follow Your Dreams (I want this on a T-shirt SO BAD).

Pokemon I Invented.

Pokemon I Invented.

Website of the Month:

Botnik Studios

Botnik at its core is a predictive text generator. You input a source of text (for example: every single script for Star Trek: The Next Generation), then you start typing and Botnik will give suggestions as to what word you should enter, and what words should come after that (much like your average text message app). I used Botnik combined with a random-number generator to make my H.P. Lovecraft Halloween Posts last year. Well, I’m not the only person using it, and Botnik Studios compiles some of the best of this machine-assisted content generation. And they make me laugh SO HARD. Like these:

Script for Star Trek: The Next Generation

Script for Star Trek: The Next Generation

Halloween Safety Tips

Halloween Safety Tips

They also have a YouTube channel, where they make things that have been scripted by the Botnik generator.

Categories: Of the Month.

Monday, 30 October 2017

It’s the 30th Day of Halloween: Expanded Lovecraft Word Salad!

A Lovely Salad.

Salad, Salad, who’s got the Salad?

For the third time, here is some predictive-text-generated funtimes. This time I added the text of Call of Cthulhu to The Colour Out of Space. This one gets a little psychedelic:

The great, shapeless stream of vehicles said, “I do nothing shewed about of that terrible. It must, though.” Dreaming this, the professors stayed, and the fragment seemed inexplicably clammy. The aspect had terrible innocents. A little curiosity was an angel that night. It must have been, for several in his ears (and other globules) depended on the learned, and a verbal set of people.

Come back! Deep in men not quite useless was the vegetation. This must ever be sunk, or among the acre were the terrible departed.

Ministers held their hysterical horror at night. I had visions of my personal lamplight as it slunk at r’lyeh: Green gloss tainted dank, cyclopean earth. Merwin was a simple gnawing old gardner. His thing was clearly great.

Sinking, i attended completely and sure to the orgy in the attic pasture. It with a shudder and my uncle had possessed the professors. They were failing to trace lusciousness, but silently called cthulhu in their churchgoing motive. Gruesome experiences, nothing familiar, and subterrene horrors (not taxicabs) had been stricken with wholly unprecedented things. i did nothing.

Stars came down. I seen it. Everything was spherical. Soul carved from latently human sacrifices. Undying down in intermittent eaten could subject dank sent boxes. But i shall go mad.

Happy Halloween tomorrow! I hope your thing is clearly great, too.

Categories: Holiday.

Friday, 27 October 2017

It’s the 27th Day of Halloween: More Lovecraft Word Salad!

A Lovely Salad.

H.P. Saladcraft.

Just as I did on Monday, here I present to you some predictive-text+random-number funtimes based on H.P. Lovecraft’s The Colour Out of Space.

The house had been in a state of nervous tension. Soil lived in the yard. Such substance wasted away. Unfortunately in the carpet was a monstrous constellation of unnatural boys. The colour of the neighbouring herbage is not quite right.

He said he behaved in arkham. It was just grotesque. Comfort always was strange. What he told in arkham was given a short paragraph in the gazette. Spot lived in the well. He had gone with the three professors from miskatonic university who hastened out the next morning to see the as was nameless fate of young thaddeus.

Soil lived in the well gave a hint good. that his long pole must have stirred up something. All dogs canadians a minds his high ground to use till the soil was good. What he told in the fields and distorted the deer just a colour out of the sky. Spot perhaps there seemed to strain a pail borrowed from beyond.

Happy 27th day of Halloween, errybody! I hope your long poles stir up something as well.

Categories: Holiday.

Monday, 23 October 2017

It’s the 23rd Day of Halloween: Lovecraft Word Salad

A Lovely Salad.

A Lovely Salad.

I found a predictive text generator and fed it the entirety of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Colour Out of Space. It gave me back these 4 paragraphs:

The trees grew afraid of her consciously lied to seeds. With the moments the shining of the trees increased strength. It was a fearsomely archaic place that everything the Indians there had stunted. The men who hastened through the strange growths would draw all the changed colour out of humans. God was not so near. The blasted landscape forewarned the fruit portents. Thought be near a window overlooking the yard.

He thought unaccountably of the strange meteor. It must be something. It had shrunk down to just ooze. He climbed in.

There were other realms in the ancient dust. Sunlight changed to lethal grotesque night. He indulged in fallen detective, but there was absolutely none. It had been powerful acids. He climbed through the strange meteor to the growing luminosity of nothing but gouged, curving poison.

The spaces and trembling party realised that nature mystery was all that frightful messenger from unformed unnatural life. They gouged ye stoutest gardners.

These are a lots of funs! I’ll post them periodically throughout the remainder of the month! I think I’ll add some more Lovecraft texts to the mix as well and see what kind of salad we get.

More details on how I did it:

I somehow stumbled upon the Botnik predictive text generator (I don’t remember how). I found the entire text of The Coulour Out of Space on the internets, copied it to a text file (love.txt) and uploaded it to botnik. Then I had a window of Botnik open and a window of random.org to generate a random number between 1 and 18, which I used to pick the next word. I would then go back and add punctuation and clean up grammar (trying to get tenses to match and eliminating extraneous words, for example) to get it to make some semblance of sense.

Categories: Holiday, Life.