My Oscar Picks:
Voting by Default
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again. The Academy Awards are just a couple of weeks away, so I thought I'd go through the list of nominees and pick who on the list I would vote for were I granted the powers of the allmighty Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.
Come along with me, won't you? Won't!?
Performance by an actor in a leading role
- Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Capote”
- Terrence Howard in “Hustle & Flow”
- Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain”
- Joaquin Phoenix in “Walk the Line”
- David Strathairn in “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
Chris's Pick:
Hmm... well, the only movie I saw on that list was "Good Night, and Good
Luck." Therefore I vote for David Straithairn. Congrats,
Dave!
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
- George Clooney in “Syriana”
- Matt Dillon in “Crash”
- Paul Giamatti in “Cinderella Man”
- Jake Gyllenhaal in “Brokeback Mountain”
- William Hurt in “A History of Violence”
Chris's Pick:
Uh, oh... I didn't see any of the films on that list. Umm... I'll vote for
George Clooney, because he was also in "Good Night,
and Good Luck," which was very good. Congrats, George!
Performance by an actress in a leading role
- Judi Dench in “Mrs. Henderson Presents”
- Felicity Huffman in “Transamerica”
- Keira Knightley in “Pride & Prejudice”
- Charlize Theron in “North Country”
- Reese Witherspoon in “Walk the Line”
Chris's Pick:
I didn't see any of these movies either. Umm... I'm not sure if I saw any
of these actresses in any other movies this year, either. Shitburgers! Umm...
I'll vote for Keira Knightley because she's the only one
of these actresses to appear in an ANGRY BEEF
Sighting. Congrats, Keira!
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
- Amy Adams in “Junebug”
- Catherine Keener in “Capote”
- Frances McDormand in “North Country”
- Rachel Weisz in “The Constant Gardener”
- Michelle Williams in “Brokeback Mountain”
Chris's Pick:
I see an unforunate trend going on here. I once again did not see ANY of the
films on that list. Therefore I'm voting for Catherine Keener,
'cause she kicked ass in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." She was a hot
grandma. Congrats, Cathy!
Best animated feature film of the year
- “Howl’s Moving Castle”
Hayao Miyazaki - “Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride”
Tim Burton and Mike Johnson - “Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit”
Nick Park and Steve Box
Chris's Pick:
*Gasp* *Snort* *Cough* *Sputter* I actually saw TWO of the films on that list.
Two out of three! All right! I'm back in the saddle again! I didn't see "Howl's"
and between "Corpse" and "Curse" the winner is hands down
"Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit."
Best animated short film
- “Badgered”
Sharon Colman - “The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation”
John Canemaker and Peggy Stern - “The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello”
Anthony Lucas - “9”
Shane Acker - “One Man Band”
Andrew Jimenez and Mark Andrews
Chris's Pick:
How are you supposed to see animated short films now that they don't hardly
play them in front of every full-length movie? I like Pixar stuff, so maybe
I'll vote for "One Man Band." But I don't recognize the names of
the directors of that one off the top of my head, whereas I do recognize
John Canemaker's name (though I can't place where I know it from). Ah, well,
good enough. I vote for "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation."
Best live action short film
- “Ausreisser (The Runaway)”
Ulrike Grote - “Cashback”
Sean Ellis and Lene Bausager - “The Last Farm”
Rúnar Rúnarsson and Thor S. Sigurjónsson - “Our Time Is Up”
Rob Pearlstein and Pia Clemente - “Six Shooter”
Martin McDonagh
Chris's Pick:
*Sigh* Do I have to vote in every category? Do actualy, real-life
members of the AoMPAaS have to vote in every category? Well, screw them! This
is my article; I'll vote or not-vote as I damned well please!
Achievement in art direction
- “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
Art Direction: Jim Bissell
Set Decoration: Jan Pascale - “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”
Art Direction: Stuart Craig
Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan - “King Kong”
Art Direction: Grant Major
Set Decoration: Dan Hennah and Simon Bright - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
Art Direction: John Myhre
Set Decoration: Gretchen Rau - “Pride & Prejudice”
Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood
Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
Chris's Pick:
Between "Good Night" and "King Kong" I'm going to vote
for "King Kong" because I probably could have art-directed
"Good Night" with a handful of references to what broadcasting equipment
looked like back in the day. Whereas the "King Kong" people had
to come up with stuff that didn't actually exist.
Achievement in cinematography
- “Batman Begins”
Wally Pfister - “Brokeback Mountain”
Rodrigo Prieto - “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
Robert Elswit - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
Dion Beebe - “The New World”
Emmanuel Lubezki
Chris's Pick:
I'm picking "Good Night, and Good Luck" over "Batman
Begins" because "Good Night" really evoked a wonderful mood
of the times, and "Batman Begins" I thought did not properly
evoke the sense of Gotham City. It just looked like frikkin' Chicago, which
is not what Gotham City is s'posed to look like.
Achievement in costume design
- “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
Gabriella Pescucci - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
Colleen Atwood - “Mrs. Henderson Presents”
Sandy Powell - “Pride & Prejudice”
Jacqueline Durran - “Walk the Line”
Arianne Phillips
Chris's Pick:
I vote for "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"
because Johnny Depp's costumes had crazy hats! And it's the only movie on
that list that I saw.
Best documentary feature
- “Darwin’s Nightmare”
A Mille et Une Production
Hubert Sauper - “Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room”
An HDNet Films Production
Alex Gibney and Jason Kliot - “March of the Penguins”
A Bonne Pioche Production
Luc Jacquet and Yves Darondeau - “Murderball”
An Eat Films Production
Henry-Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro - “Street Fight”
A Marshall Curry Production
Marshall Curry
Chris's Pick:
I'm not voting for any of these films, because I didn't see any of them. Yeah,
that's right; I didn't see "March of the Penguins." You got a problem
with that? Well, suck it, fat boy! I didn't go see no penguin shit! Ha!
Best documentary short subject
- “The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club”
A Dan Krauss Production
Dan Krauss - “God Sleeps in Rwanda”
An Acquaro/Sherman Production
Kimberlee Acquaro and Stacy Sherman - “The Mushroom Club”
A Farallon Films Production
Steven Okazaki - “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin”
A NomaFilms Production
Corinne Marrinan and Eric Simonson
Chris's Pick:
Where was I supposed to have seen any of these films? I vote for none and
nothing!
Achievement in film editing
- “Cinderella Man”
Mike Hill and Dan Hanley - “The Constant Gardener”
Claire Simpson - “Crash”
Hughes Winborne - “Munich”
Michael Kahn - “Walk the Line”
Michael McCusker
Chris's Pick:
I've always thought that the editing category was the most "pull the
nominees out of your ass" category of the whole show. What makes the
editing of "Walk the Line" worthy of an Oscar over any other film
of the year? Also, I didn't see any of these movies.
Best foreign language film of the year
- “Don’t Tell”
Italy - “Joyeux Noël”
France - “Paradise Now”
Palestine - “Sophie Scholl - The Final Days”
Germany - “Tsotsi”
South Africa
Chris's Pick:
I didn't see any of these films, but I do know that in French "Joyeux
Noel" means "Merry Christmas." So I'm voting for "Joyeux
Noel" Congrats, Francy!
Achievement in makeup
- “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
Howard Berger and Tami Lane - “Cinderella Man”
David Leroy Anderson and Lance Anderson - “Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith”
Dave Elsey and Nikki Gooley
Chris's Pick:
I'm starting to get tired just typing this. I'd hate to think how bored you
are reading this far down the list. We're almost there; hold on! I'll pick
"Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" over
"The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"
because the "Star Wars" title is several words shorter than the
"Narnia" title. That, and I didn't like the makeup on the dumb-assed
centaurs in "Narnia." And also I can't in good conscience give an
Oscar to a movie I only gave one-and-a-half stars in my review.
Achievement in music (Original score)
- “Brokeback Mountain” Gustavo Santaolalla
- “The Constant Gardener” Alberto Iglesias
- “Memoirs of a Geisha” John Williams
- “Munich” John Williams
- “Pride & Prejudice” Dario Marianelli
Chris's Pick:
What? Danny Elfman didn't get nominated for anything!? I'm boycotting that
section just outta spite! It has nothing to do with the fact that I didn't
see any of those movies!
Achievement in music (Original song)
- “In the Deep” from “Crash”
Music by Kathleen “Bird” York and Michael Becker
Lyric by Kathleen “Bird” York - “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from“Hustle &
Flow”
Music and Lyric by Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard - “Travelin’ Thru” from “Transamerica”
Music and Lyric by Dolly Parton
Chris's Pick:
Remember back in the day when three of the five songs nominated for Best Original
Song were from a Disney movie? Wasn't that weird? Well, I guess not as weird
as Dolly Parton being nominated, and certainly not as weird as a song being
nominated that has the word "Pimp" in the title. Just for that,
I'm voting for "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp,"
even though I didn't see that movie. I just want to hear the Oscar announcer
say it during the broadcast.
Achievement in sound editing
- “King Kong”
Mike Hopkins and Ethan Van der Ryn - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
Wylie Stateman - “War of the Worlds” Richard King
Chris's Pick:
Another "out of the ass" category, which will see me voting for
"King Kong" because, yes, it did have sound in
it.
Achievement in sound mixing
- “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
Terry Porter, Dean A. Zupancic and Tony Johnson - “King Kong”
Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges and Hammond Peek - “Memoirs of a Geisha”
Kevin O’Connell, Greg P. Russell, Rick Kline and John Pritchett - “Walk the Line”
Paul Massey, D.M. Hemphill and Peter F. Kurland - “War of the Worlds”
Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer and Ronald Judkins
Chris's Pick:
Once again I'm voting for "King Kong" but once
again it's more of a vote against "Narnia" than anything else.
Achievement in visual effects
- “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
Dean Wright, Bill Westenhofer, Jim Berney and Scott Farrar - “King Kong”
Joe Letteri, Brian Van’t Hul, Christian Rivers and Richard Taylor - “War of the Worlds”
Dennis Muren, Pablo Helman, Randy Dutra and Daniel Sudick
Chris's Pick:
Ha ha! "Star Wars" wasn't even nominated! Suck it, Lucas; you can't
win! I'm voting for "King Kong" because even though
some of the CGI dinosaurs and bugs were far from convincing, Kong himself
was frikkin' amazing, and they didn't screw up the simplest little bluescreen
shot like the ass-idiots who made "Narnia" did.
Adapted screenplay
- “Brokeback Mountain”
Screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana - “Capote”
Screenplay by Dan Futterman - “The Constant Gardener”
Screenplay by Jeffrey Caine - “A History of Violence”
Screenplay by Josh Olson - “Munich”
Screenplay by Tony Kushner and Eric Roth
Chris's Pick:
I didn't know "Munich" was adapted from something. What was it?
Hmm... I wonder. Oh well. I won't vote for anything on account of not seeing
anything.
Original screenplay
- “Crash”
Screenplay by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco
Story by Paul Haggis - “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov - “Match Point”
Written by Woody Allen - “The Squid and the Whale”
Written by Noah Baumbach - “Syriana”
Written by Stephen Gaghan
Chris's Pick:
I thought "Syriana" was adapted from a book by that former CIA guy.
Wasn't it? I guess I'm voting for "Good Night, and Good Luck"
even though a good portion of the film wasn't scripted at all; it was archival
footage. Say, why isn't "Good Night" considered adapted, too?
Achievement in directing
- “Brokeback Mountain”
Ang Lee - “Capote”
Bennett Miller - “Crash”
Paul Haggis - “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
George Clooney - “Munich”
Steven Spielberg
Chris's Pick:
Holy shit! I'm voting for George Cloony by default! I'm voting
to give George Clooney an Oscar for Best Director! Woot!
Best motion picture of the year
- “Brokeback Mountain”
Diana Ossana and James Schamus, Producers - “Capote”
Caroline Baron, William Vince and Michael Ohoven, Producers - “Crash”
Paul Haggis and Cathy Schulman, Producers - “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
Grant Heslov, Producer - “Munich”
Kathleen Kennedy, Steven Spielberg and Barry Mendel, Producers
Chris's Pick:
Well, Congratulations "Good Night, and Good Luck"
for being voted as Best Picture of the Year due to the fact that I didn't
see any of the other films that were nominated. I bet that makes you feel
good, no?
So, in the final talley we have:
- "Good Night, and Good Luck" with a whopping 6 Oscars
- "King Kong" with a follow-up of 3 Oscars
- Everybody else who only won 1 Oscar.
Man, I guess I didn't see very many "good" films last year, did I? I guess my taste in movies is just lame-o. Double lame-o. Double lame-o donkey dick, sucking on the witch's tit.
I went somehwere else at the end there, didn't I?
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~ The
Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe |