Posts from February 2008

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Jack Black is the Larry Flynt of Australia

I don’t mean for this website to turn into just a chronicle of my dreams, but I keep on having such awexome ones that I have to write them down! Case in point: last night…

Jack Black of Tenacious D fame lived in the back of an Australian zoo/museum with his new bandmates. Meanwhile, a middle-aged couple were arrested by a SWAT team (in a scene very much like the one towards the end of Brazil) for living an “alternative lifestyle.” Upon reading about this in the newspaper, Jack Black became so enraged that he briefly transformed into his John K animated version and declared that he wasn’t gonna just sit there and let the government dictate how people lived their private lives. Except he swore an awful lot when he said it. 

Back to his non-cartoon version, Jack Black sued the government and went to court, giving an impassioned speech in front of a white-wigged judge to the effect that it should be illegal for any public government anywhere to legislate private morality.

He promptly lost the case.

Six months later, though, he re-sued on some technicality. The case dragged on for months, during which time an extremely agitated Jack Black continually berated the Judge and jury for being “the man” and being hypocrites, “because who doesn’t like to smoke a little now and then, y’know? Yeah, you know!” He singled out a librarian-looking, middle-aged woman in the jury and began doing his soft-talking seduction voice on her, trying to get her to admit that she smoked pot. She was absolutely aghast.

Eventually the general public caught wind of Jack Black’s courtroom shenanigans and totally got behind him, cheering for this buffoon to actually win! In the end, exhausted from having to deal with this idiot for so long, the Judge and jury actually gave in and ruled in Jack Black’s favor! The “alternative lifestyle” couple was set free!

I (a court reporter at this time) went down to the zoo, which was also partially a museum, and found Jack Black’s bandmates hanging out in an unlocked cage in an artificial cave watching some TV. I asked them where Jack Black was, and they said he was probably around somewhere, as he’d just gone to get a burrito.

I waited and he eventually did come back, munching on his burrito. He led me on a brief tour of the museum portion of the zoo, where he seriously orated his beliefs in the importance of preserving the environment, and how he wistfully longed for those turn-of-the-century days when Australia was a much wilder, freer place.

The funniest thing about the whole dream to me (aside from the half minute where Jack Black became a cartoon) was that it was never actually specified what the couple’s “alternative lifestyle” actually consisted of. Everybody in the dream seemed to know, but it was never actually said by anyone, so I have no idea what was so “alternative” about them!

Categories: Dreams.

Monday, 11 February 2008

Robots Would Never Hurt Us

Robot Guitar!I’m going to say: It’s about damned time. Gibson has come out with a Robot Guitar. What makes it a robot? No, it doesn’t transform into a bipedal robot and run around. Instead, it tunes itself. It automatically spins its tuning knobs until all the strings are in tune.

I am wondering why it took until now, many years into the 21st century, for someone to actually create something like this.

But that is of little import. It is here now, added to the growing list of useful robots that the general populace can actually own!

Categories: Links, Music, Robots.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Gene Hackman, Danny DeVito, & Sandra Bernhardt: Villains United!

I have to tell you about this dream I had last night. It was one of the craziest in recent memory. I didn’t actually dream it in order, but I’ll try to have it make more sense here:

Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor from the Superman movies, Danny DeVito from the Romancing the Stone movies, and Sandra Bernhardt from Hudson Hawk all teamed up to bring about an apocalypse. Their plan: to use two tiny, gold-filled barges in a small pond on the side of a hill to perform an arcane ritual during a lunar eclipse to summon Unicron. 

I’m completely serious.

My brother, Geoff, and I were all secret agents (who were staked out in the house I grew up in) who were supposed to stop this from happening. 

Unfortunately I was distracted by having to deal with an enraged (and strangely small at only about 10 feet tall) Optimus Prime, who had arrived on earth in his day-glo dune buggy and was driving it around the city like a maniac, looking for those who were in league with his arch-enemy Unicron.

I eventually got him to calm down some, but the time I wasted in dealing with him meant that the united villains had time to initiate the ritual! Mike & Geoff called me to tell me that they’d pinpointed the location where the ritual was taking place, so I hopped in my car and started driving north on the freeway to get there. I looked off to my left and saw the moon for just an instant before it was completely enveloped in black. Not just a lunar eclipse, this was unnatural, black-magic black. It was a portal! I had to hurry and stop the ritual before Unicron could cross through!

Suddenly, though, the black disc of the moon got all distorted and stretched out. I asked Geoff (over the car’s radio), “Is that supposed to happen?”

“Um… I don’t think so,” Geoff answered.

Pretty soon the moon suddenly blinked back to normal. Had the ritual succeeded or failed? I drove on, arriving at the side of the hill just after dawn.

Disguising myself as an elderly black gentleman, I secretly parked the car out of sight and climbed the hill, pretending to be merely out for a morning stroll. I soon came across the site of the ritual and saw what had prevented it from happening: there had been a small landslide that had filled half of the pond and buried one of the barges! We’d been lucky.

The villains’ henchmen, dressed in the red uniforms of the aliens from the V miniseries, were busy draining the rest of the pond and digging out the barge. One of them saw me and shooed me away with, “Hey, you’re not allowed to be here!”

“What’s going on?” I asked in my elderly black gentleman voice.

“We’re just cleaning up a landslide,” the henchman said. “Nothing to see here. Move along.”

I glanced down the hill towards the pond where I saw the three main movie villains all acting very upset. Sandra Bernhardt was so upset that she was drinking the bottle of Champagne that they’d planned on saving until after they’d summoned Unicron.

I made my way back down to the bottom of the hill and was confronted by a confused but unreasonably attractive young Japanese woman who wanted to know what was going on. I kind of hit on her while telling her that it was just some forest workers cleaning up a landslide. She giggled and thought I was a charming old man. Something seemed suspicious, though; she seemed very out of place.

I excused myself and made my way back to the car and drove back to the house where Mike and Geoff were. For some reason they were making elaborate, extremely risky plans to retrieve the gold barges. But I got the sense that they didn’t want to retrieve the barges to stop the ritual, but because they wanted the gold! They’d gone all greedy! And I was certain the plans they were making were going to compromise all three of us (if they hadn’t already), so I quickly gathered my things and slipped out of the house through the backyard.

That night the trio of villains had cleaned up the hillside and pond and were ready to try again. There was a funny scene where they all waded into the pond up to their waists except for Danny DeVito, who was so short that the water came up to his chin and he had to tilt his head back to keep from getting water in his mouth. They stood in between the two barges. Gene Hackman kept on having to shove them apart because they kept on drifting together, threatening to crush the trio.

They looked up to the moon and started calling out things like, “O Unicron, great and powerful! We implore that you hear us!”

After doing this for a while Gene Hackman and Sandra Bernhardt got bored and waded ashore, but they told Danny DeVito that he had to stay in the pond for the ritual to work. Sandra Bernhardt started drinking more Champagne. Danny DeVito was upset, especially when as a side effect of the ritual the pond water started to rise! There was even wacky background music as Danny DeVito struggled to stay afloat and keep the barges from crushing him!

At some point I had a conversation with Optimus Prime in which we realized that even if we stopped the ritual this time, someone might try again and succeed later in the future. The only way to be sure was to destroy Unicron completely. At that, my dream cut to a scene of a Unicron-sized Optimus Prime grappling with Unicron.

What was the ultimate outcome? I have no idea. I’d like to assume that Optimus Prime won, but my dream ended with Danny DeVito still struggling in the pond while Sandra Bernhardt drank Champagne with Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor. So I guess I’ll never actually know.

Categories: Dreams.

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Tornado Dreaming: Looks Like an F-4 to Me

A few nights ago I had a tornado dream! Hooray! I ♥ (heart) tornado dreams.

There were a bunch of small, duplex-like white buildings to my right (east), and a broad sidewalk ran parallel to them. Off to the left (west) was a large, flat, grassy plain that continued on to the west for a few miles, eventually meeting up with some low mountains. All of these features (buildings included) continued north and south as far as I could tell.

Several people I know (including me) were walking south along this broad sidewalk. It was rather crowded, with various unknown people walking in both directions. The sky was an intimidating gray. I happened to look off to my left and said, “Oh, hey, look; that looks like about an F-4 to me.”

Indeed, a quarter-mile-wide tornado was silently plowing its way south through the plains to the west. Nobody seemed very concerned, though—there was nothing over there it could actually damage, and it wasn’t heading in our direction, just going steadily south at barely more than walking speed. So we all just kinda watched it like you’d watch a pretty sunset as we continued walking on.

Eventually the fact that I’ve been playing a lot of Super Mario Galaxy became apparent: a bunch of tiny (18″ wide), blue, rope-like tornadoes began to appear on the sidewalk and slowly move back and forth across the width of it so that all of the people had to maneuver their way around them.

After we got past a couple of them I guess my dream people ran out of ideas for the dream, because that’s pretty much all that happened.

Categories: Dreams, Tornadoes.

Friday, 1 February 2008

"Of the Month" February ’08

Link of the Month:

We The Robots
My new favorite webcomic is about (surprise) robots! Robots who hold dead-end cubicle jobs and despair over their lives, just like real people!

Game of the Month:

Super Mario Galaxy
Man-o-man, I just cannot say enough good things about this game. But the one thing I love even more than the fantastic gameplay, the unbelievable gravity rules, and the sense of epic granduer, is the game’s aesthetics. The game is just gorgeous. And the design of the game’s universe is so incredibly inventive and original. There has never been any game quite like this.

Album of the Month:

Blue Scholars: Bayani
This is the 2nd album by local Seattle Hip-Hop duo Blue Scholars, which consists of Geologic on the mic and Sabzi as MC. Sabzi’s work on this album is truly phenomenal, weaving dense, interesting piano/synth lines with groovy horn sections and straight-up beats. Geologic grooves right along with his own hypnotic, almost monotone style. The lyrics are clever and intelligent and about things more important to life than just bitches and money. I’d really love to see them at a show.

Categories: Of the Month.