Emissions Testing:
A Comedy Screenplay
FADE IN
EXTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — DAY
A female ATTENDANT is directing a 1992 Ford Tempo onto the testing platform. She holds her hands up, motioning for the car to stop. It does. The driver's side window of the Tempo is rolled down.
ANGLE ON DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW
Inside is CHRIS HARRIS, 25, very skinny, with long dark hair and a neatly trimmed full beard. A MALE ATTENDANT approaches the car. He is holding a small black device with a long chord attached.
MALE ATTENDANT
Here, we need you to plug this into your cigarette lighter. If the light goes on we know we've got power.
Do I have one of those?
Maybe in your coin holder?
INTERIOR: 1992 FORD TEMPO — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS pulls down the coin holder in his dashboard.
Oh, yeah, there it is.
CHRIS HARRIS pulls the cigarette lighter plug out, grabs the device from MALE ATTENDANT, and plugs it into the cigarette lighter hole. A red light appears on the device.
Yeah, we've got light.
EXTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — CONTINUOUS
MALE ATTENDANT nods his approval, makes a mark on a clipboard, and walks off. ATTENDANT approaches the car.
All right, sir, you can come out now.
CHRIS HARRIS reaches out his open window and pulls the handle on the outside of the door to open it before stepping out.
I gotta warn you, the handle on the inside doesn't work, so you gotta pull the outside one to get out.
Yeah, that happened to a friend of mine. Kind of a pain, huh?
Yeah. More of an annoyance than anything.
ATTENDANT jerks a thumb over her shoulder.
All right, if you could just wait in the "Safety Box" we'll be done shortly.
CHRIS HARRIS looks in the direction where ATTENDANT'S thumb pointed.
CHRIS HARRIS'S POV:
There is a door set into the side of the Emissions Testing facility.
BACK TO SCENE:
CHRIS HARRIS smiles at ATTENDANT and walks towards the door. ATTENDANT doesn't watch him go, but instead drops into the seat of the Tempo.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — FOOD ROOM — CONTINUOUS
ANLGE ON THE DOOR:
The door opens from the oustide and CHRIS HARRIS steps through it, closing the door behind him. He glances around and a confused expression crosses his face.
REVERSE ANGLE:
We can see that we're in a small room with a large cirular table in the middle of it. The table is covered with various snack foods and slices of cake and pie and stuff like that. There is a counter with a sink against one wall. Next to the sink is a dish-drying rack full of drying dishes.
CHRIS HARRIS walks slowly through the room, still very confused. He glances at a bulletin board on one wall.
CHRIS HARRIS'S POV:
The bulletin board is covered with official looking announcements obviously meant for employees of the Emissions Testing Facility.
BACK TO SCENE:
CHRIS HARRIS continues to look confusedly around the room as he absently takes an after-dinner mint out of his coat pocket, unwraps it, and pops it in his mouth. Suddenly we hear a female voice:
Excuse me, sir...
CHRIS HARRIS turns, and we see a young female EMPLOYEE standing in a doorway to the room.
...but this area is employees only. I'm sorry, but you can't come in that door.
Oh, okay. Sorry. Where am I supposed to—
You have to go out and around.
CUT TO:
EXTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — CONTINUOUS
ANGLE ON THE DOOR:
The door opens from the inside and CHRIS HARRIS walks out, shaking his head and laughing a little to himself. ATTENDANT is still in the Tempo, and doesn't notice CHRIS HARRIS as he walks around the corner of the building.
ANGLE: AROUND THE CORNER — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS walks around the corner of the facility, looking around. He spots a door and opens it.
This must be it...
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — WAITING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS walks through the door and closes it behind him. He's in a small room that looks kind of like the waiting room of a doctor's office (or a Jiffy Lube). There are a handful of chairs and a potted plant. One wall has a large opening, behind which is an ELDERLY FEMALE, who appears to be working on paperwork of some kind. She barely glances up as CHRIS HARRIS comes in.
It's around the corner, hon.
Oh, thanks.
CHRIS HARRIS walks casually around the corner and into
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
Just a short hallway. There are doors marked for men's and women's restrooms at the end nearest the Waiting Room, and an open doorway further down the other side of the Hallway. CHRIS HARRIS walks down the Hallway and through the open doorway into
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — FOOD ROOM — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS stops dead in his tracks with a confused look on his face. He looks around. He's in the same room he was just kicked out of. He pokes his head back into the hallway and looks both directions, then comes back into the Food Room, scratching his head.
Suddenly the door to outside opens and ATTENDANT comes in. She sees CHRIS HARRIS.
Are you waiting to use the bathroom?
Huh?
EMPLOYEE appears in the doorway behind CHRIS HARRIS.
Sir, you can't be in this room.
But I was just told—
This room is for employees only.
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS comes backing out of the Food Room and down the hallway, followed by EMPLOYEE.
Well, then where am I suppoped to go?
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY: — WAITING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS comes backing out of the Hallway, followed by EMPLOYEE. ELDERLY WOMAN looks up.
What do you mean?
I mean, where is the "Safety Box?"
CHRIS HARRIS makes the "quote marks" sign with his fingers.
Oh, it's outside. You have to go outside.
EMPLOYEE sees that ELDERLY WOMAN seems to be handling the situation and disappears back into the hallway.
The "Safety Box" is outside?
Uh-huh.
CHRIS HARRIS stands there completely ignored now, and thoroughly confused. He scratches his head for a moment, then shrugs and walks back into the Hallway.
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — MEN'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS
The door opens from the Hallway and CHRIS HARRIS walks in. He looks around for a moment before wandering over to the urinals. He unzips his pants.
CUT TO:
INTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — MEN'S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER
CHRIS HARRIS is washing his hands at the sink. He shakes them off and turns off the water. As he reaches for the paper towels he hears voices from outside the Men's Room door:
Where did that guy go?
Did he go to the bathroom?
I don't think so.
ATTENDANT says something else, but it's just muffled gibberish that can't be made out.
Oh, yeah, he knows.
CHRIS HARRIS cocks his head to listen some more, but nothing more can be heard from outside the door. He shrugs and proceeds to dry his hands, chucking the used paper towel in the garbage can by the sink. He heads towards the door. Suddenly there is a quiet knock on the door. CHRIS HARRIS stops short, then starts to reach for the handle. But before he can get it the door opens from the hallway and MALE ATTENDANT pokes his head in.
Mr. Harris?
Yeah?
We're all done with your car.
Okay. How'd I do?
MALE ATTENDANT takes a piece of paper off his clipboard and hands it to CHRIS HARRIS.
Oh, you passed.
All right.
CUT TO:
EXTERIOR: EMISSIONS TESTING FACILITY — MOMENTS LATER
ANGLE ON THE DOOR TO THE WAITING ROOM:
The door opens and CHRIS HARRIS comes out. He starts to walk around the corner, very carefully looking around for anything that could possibly be a "Safety Box." But there's nothing but the building and the path around it. He goes aoround the corner.
ANGLE: AROUND THE CORNER — CONTINUOUS
CHRIS HARRIS walks slowly towards where his car is parked, looking for anything that could possibly be a "Safety Box," but again there appears to be nothing except the building and his car and ATTENDANT waiting by it. ATTENDANT gestures towards the Tempo.
It's all ready for you.
Um, yeah... thanks...
INTERIOR: THE TEMPO — MOMENTS LATER
CHRIS HARRIS is all strapped in and driving away from the Emissions Testing Facility. He shakes his head.
That sure was weird.
Arrr! It sure was, matey...
ANGLE ON THE PASSENGER SEAT:
The tiny wooden postcard of THE OCEAN SHORES PIRATE is on the passenger seat.
...It sure was.
FADE OUT.
THE END
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