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Mr. T's Storybook:
How Not to be a Square
"Hey, kids! It's me, Mr. T! I'm here to tell you to stay in school,
be nice to your mama, and don't be a damned square, foo! How I do that,
Mr. T, you ask? Let Mr. T demonstrate to you by showing you what he
did in the yesterday. Mr. T remembers it as if it was yetserday."
"Hey you! Cereal! It's me: Mr. T! You crazy foos is gonna be in my stomach
soon, y'hear? I don't want no talk-back, neither! You remember what
happened to that grape that didn't want Mr. T to eat it! I squished
that foo like a grape! Oh, Hell, Mr. T has been yelling at his food
so long, he's gonna be late for work! Damn it!"
"Now how in the Hell am I, Mr. T, gonna get to work if my jeep done
blowed up!? How is Mr. T supposed to figure out such devices? It looks
like the inside of a man whose stomach I tore out. Because remember:
If you're a lady, the T in Mr. T stands for Tender. But if you're a
guy who's being mean to the ladies, the T stands for Tough!"
"Mr. T will just borrow this crazy horse here. Hey you, horse! Mr. T
is gonna get on you and ride you, and you ain't gonna have nothin' to
say about that, you hear?"
"Mr. T never knew it hurt so much to get kicked in the
testicles by a horse. Oh, well, Mr. T knows that fustration never gets
you nowhere. You gots to channel that fustration."
"Hey you, kid! Get off that damned bike and let Mr. T have it before
he jams that front tire up your nose, foo!"
"Finally, Mr. T has arrived at his job here at the
"These crazy apples be too high up in that tree! Hey you, kid! Pick
those apples for Mr. T before you make him mad! You don't want to
see Mr. T mad. Once, I crushed a grape between my thumb and finger
for not wanting to go on a journey through Mr. T's intestinal track!"
"Now to reap the fruit's of my labor by enjoying Mr. T's special Apple
Shake. Hey! You kids! How did you get into Mr. T's private malt shop!?
I thought I locked you out in the fields! Why ain't you pickin' apples
for Mr. T!? Am I gonna have to take away your outhouse privilidges again,
foos? Am I? Huh? You gonna have to wipe you behinds with leaves!"
"Fine! We can settle this like gentlemen. Mr. T is a damned gentleman!
I pity the foo who is more of a gentleman that Mr. T! We'll play Tick
Tack T! You be X, and I'll be T! Whoever loses has to leave Mr. T's
private malt shop forever!"
"Best two outta three! Mr. T will whup this little girl's
ass at whatever video game this is supposed to be."
"You crazy girl! You beat Mr. T! What are you, like Johnny Arcade's
sister? Captain N the Game Mistress! Aaargh!"
"Mr T is so upset. There's only one thing that calms Mr. T down
when he gets this upset: Laughin' at them damned deformed carnie
foos! Off to the carnival on a stolen bike! I'll just set myself
down on this here swing..."
"Uh-oh. Hey, all you readin' this at home! Guess which kid I'm gonna
murder if Mr. T gets dunked in this drink!"
"Yeah, little girl, Mr. T thinks this is a good way to remember your
brother too, after I murdered that foo for dunking me in the drink!
Kids, photo albums are a great way to enjoy special memories of your
loved ones, even if they're not around anymore. As long as someone's
memory is in your heart, they're never really dead. Even if I did punch
him so hard I broke his jaw and then stepped on the back of his neck
and crushed his spinal column like that damned grape! Mr. T hates grapes!"
"Well, it's been a good day for Mr. T, forcing kids
to do slave labor at my orchard, murdering another for gettin' me wet.
That makes up for not being able to set foot in Mr. T's private malt
shop ever again so long as I live. But now Mr. T is gettin' hungry.
Time to go home."
"Hey you, fishes! Which one of you is gonna be Mr. T's dinner!?"
"You know, after a long day like that, Mr. T likes to think back
about the day's events. All this child labor and child killin',
it makes Mr. T glad that he's not a square. It really does. Don't
none of you all out there be squares neither! Mr. T means that!
Don't make Mr. T squish you like that damned grape!"
And here are a couple of activities out of the book. Print
'em out and try 'em! Guaranteed T Fun!