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My Favorite M.U.S.C.L.E.s

When my friend gave me a big He-Man poster (see that article), he aslo gave me a poster that I treasure even more.

It has long been a source of chagrin and shame that I never collected the tiny pink wrestlers knows as M.U.S.C.L.E (especially now that professional wrestling is such a hobby of mine—if only I'd known). I always thought that these little pink rasslers were immensely fascinating, if not at times incredibly moronic. I actually did have a handful when I was around ten years old or so, but they've since gone the way of the UFO-shaped happy meal containers.

But now I have at my disposal a (somewhat raggedy) poster displaying not just a handful, but ALL 233 of the little pink rasslers! I now present to you My 7 Favorite M.U.S.C.L.E.s:

M.U.S.C.L.E. #230:

This guy isn't so strange as rasslers go. Sure, he can take off his own head and hold it by a chain, using it to bash his opponents brains in. But in this day and age, who can't? I mean really.

This begs the question, if in the WWF (oops! I mean WWE) some rassler had, say, a fake leg, would using it during a match be considered using a foreign object? This guy's weapon is just his head, after all.


Here we have the world famous Arch of Triumph, L'Arc du Triomphe from Paris brought to life, and brought where else but to a rasslin' ring.

What does it say about us that we can bring a giant monument built by the romans to life, but all we can think to do with such a thing is have it fight people? I mean, come on! He should at least be presiding over ribbon-cutting ceremonies at new Wal-Marts or something. I mean this guy is THE Arc du Triomphe! We might as well have the heads on Mount Rushmore calling his matches.

M.U.S.C.L.E. #48: TEA!

How threatened would you be if you were a bad-ass rassler, and into the ring stepped a guy with a teacup for a head, with the word "Tea" on his chest? Well, sure, if it happend in real life you'd be terrified because, I mean let's face it, a man with a teacup for a head is f@#kin' nuts.

But in the WWE, could you really see this guy going up against the main eventers like HHH or Stone Cold or even Undertaker? I think the best this tea guy can hope for is a long running feud with Sho Funaki (who would be uspet beacsue of a percieved disrespect for the Japanese tea ceremony).

M.U.S.C.L.E. #60: MIKU

I just love the way this guy looks. What is he, a baby wrestler? Or just really caroony? I think it says "Miku" on his shirt. Is that his name or some baby-food product he's hocking?

You just know that Miku here is the one M.U.S.C.L.E. that all the ohter M.U.S.C.L.E.s pick on. He's the one that gets his head jammed down the tiny pink rubber toilets in the men's room. He's the one who wakes up one mornign to find that he's been used to erase an entire page of some kids homework, and how his head has a big, lopsided flat spot on it.

But just look at that face. Hell, I'd pick on him if I were a rassler. But that's nothign compared to:


I would just love to think that this rassler never stops screaming throught his matches, and that his opponents only beat him up to try to shut him up. From the moment he steps out from behind the curtain and begins walking down the ramp, he just screams and screams, this high-pitched shriek that would make the Iron Shiek's toes curl (get it? I made a funny). Even while he was being pinned he would still be shrieking, and even while he was walking up the ramp a defeated, broken rassler, his mouth would still be wide and his voice would still be loud.


Everybody knows that the whole point of M.U.S.C.L.E. figures is that you can make them beat the bejesus out of each other without any guilt. But here now we have the backstage Interviwer, who can let the fans see the character behind the in-ring action.

Of course, this is the world of M.U.S.C.L.E., so I can't imagine you'd get any interviews much better than this out of the little rasslers:

  • Interviewer: How do you feel?
  • Rassler: Small, rubber, and pink, pink, pink. Bejesus, I'm so f@#king pink! Sure, it worked for Bret Hart, but that was back in the early/mid 90s! I can't pull this color off anymore!
  • Interviewer: Now about your match tonight—
  • Screw the match! I'm not going out in public like this! Forget the fact that I'm a deformed freak who has to wrestle other deformed freaks to make a living. I'm bright-ass pink!

And then of course when a M.U.S.C.L.E. does a Heel turn, he can come and beat this Interviewer up in order to get more heat.


Okay, this one really throws be for a loop. I think it's like an upside down pyramid, except a really tall, pointy one. L'Arc du Triomphe I can kind of understand. It can kind of walk around and stuff. But this? It won't even stand up on it's own power on that sharp little point of the pyramid! All you'd have to do is just get in the ring, and then watch the hijynx as this guy tries to get through the ropes to fight you. He'd have to be lowered into the ring by cables.

And then once he got there, what could he exactly do to you? Fall on you? I guess if you were dumb-assed enough to get close to him you'd deserve to lose. All you'd have to do is climb onto the nearest turnbucle and just wait for him to topple over on his own power, then it's just a leg drop or flying elbow or frog splash and a victory 1-2-3.

You can actually tell that this rassler was created by the same mad genius that brough L'Arc du Triomphe alive, beacasue they have the exact same heads. I wonder if you could bring anything to life just by plopping one of those heads on it? That would be cool... unless everything the head was attached to became tiny pink rubber figures like this.

And there you have it. The glory and splendor that is M.U.S.C.L.E. You do have to keep in mind that these seven here aren't really all that indicative of the vast spectrum of M.U.S.C.L.E. action figures. Most of them are a little more normal (except for that half-dozen that has six arms).

Now that I have experience creating my own professional wrestling league, I really wish that I had that handfull of tiny pink rasslers in my possession again. Oh, well, I'm too lazy to go tromping around ebay to look for any more, so it's my own damned fault. But I bet that these guys would really augment any roster of which they were a part.

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