Snack on THIS, Jaxson!!
After getting digital cable internet, one of the first things I did was found a site that had like all the MAME roms that existed at the time and downloaded as much as humanly possible before the site disappeared as they all seemed to. I got games willy-nilly, hardly paying attention to title or file size (except for Street Fighter II: The Movie: The Video Game; I made sure I got that one). So later on, going through my list of games, I found one titled "Snacks'n Jaxson."
I assume that means "Snacks and Jaxson."
After playing the game a few times, I decided that it was so f**ked up that I had to write about it. Basically it's about the adventures of a clown named Jaxson de la Box and his attempts to eat something. His day starts out seemingly normally enough with the first mean of the day:
Jaxson's day starts out normally enough. Here he is sitting at his kitchen table in his diagonally-checkedered pajamas:
Sure his kitchen seems a bit unusual, in that it appears that he has to crawl under the table to get to where he's sitting, and there are several holes in his walls. But he's a clown, you know? Maybe this is a normal kitchen for the clown species. Well, let's see how his day starts out... oh, my GOD!!!
Jesus! Jesus, lord of God, no! NO!! Help, someone help! Jaxson's nose has launched off of his face and his neck has turned into a rubber band! A goddamned rubber band! My gravy! Gravy, no! Help, Jesus, sweet, sweet, Jesus, somebody save this poor clown! He may be a clown, but God, not even a clown deserves this!!!
No... wait...
He seems to be enjoying this. Well, on second thought, who wouldn't? Wouldn't you like to be able to stretch your neck to egregious proportions like Plastic Man or Mr. Fantastic or any of 32 other superheroes? Yeah, I'm with you, Jaxson! This is fun! So what if you don't have a nose anymore. Wait, your nose... look out!!
Oh, no! Jaxson, your nose has defied gravity and come flying back towards you instead of continuing to fly away from you. How is this f**king possible? No time to think about that, though. Your nose has broken a window! A precious window. Look, you've upset the button on your lapel. Well, I guess that's not supposed to happen. Maybe you should try catching it when it breaks all known laws of physics and acts like a damned boomerang again.
Yeah, if you do that, your nose will bounce off your face (which you'd think would hurt a little) and then boomerang around again and you'll have to bounce it away before it can break a window. Okay, I can handle that. Oh, here comes some food!
Fried eggs! I love fried eggs! I'm not so sure about fried eggs that float out of holes in the walls and hover around the room in midair, but Jaxson seems as though he likes them. I guess Jaxson should just eat a couple and then bounce his nose around before it breaks another window. Uh, oh...
As you can clearly see, Jaxson has to "Eat All Foods Before Bouncing Nose." Whoops! Well, I guess he'll know better next time...
What the...? Who is that!?
Jesus Christ on the Cross! It's some sort of a green goblin-looking little man in a chef outfit! Damn! Could this be Jaxson's private chef? What's that he's holding? Is that a pie? Uh-oh. Jaxson is a clown. I know where this is going...
Oh, boy, I was right...
Yikes! Jaxson, you got pied in the face by your goblin chef. Man, what a jerk. Just becuase you didn't eat his majic, flying breakfast exactly the way he wants you to, he gets to pie you in the face? Who's paying his salary, anyway? Who's the boss, Angela Bower or Tony Micelli?
Well, now that Jaxson's learned from his mistakes, he can finish up his flying breakfast. After he does so, he has to see how many times he can bounce his nose off of his face. I guess for the amusement of the goblin chef? I dunno. But I want to call that guy Gobbochef, all right? Gobbochef it is.
Well, now that he's somehow forced about 14 pounds of food down that rubber band neck of his, I assume that Jaxson goes about his morning business, whatever that might be for a clown. Polishing his giant shoes? Filling his squirting lapel flower with water? Whatever it is, time must sure past fast, because before you know it it's time for...
That's right! Now we see that Jaxson is dressed out in his standard striped clown shirt. But, dammit, there goes his nose again! Maybe Jaxson should try eating somewhere else, or at least put a mattress or something in front of his windows so he doesn't break them if he misses his nose. Anyway...
This time Jaxson gets to eat lunceon food, like meats and cheeses, and there's some ice cream bars for dessert. Yum! Oh, and there's Gobbochef, come out to personally give Jaxsom some more food. What is that he's carrying?
It looks like it's a pepper or something. Well, Gobbochef is Jaxson's personal chef, so why shouldn't he eat it? He's been eating everythign else Gobbochef has been cooking, even though it is flying aroudn the room. This is just sitting on the table. If eating flying food doesn't hurt Jaxson, then this couldn't possibly bad for him, right? Right? RIGHT?
Oh my gravy god! Damn you, Gobbochef! Why must you torment this clown so? Were you at some goblin circus as a child, and some Gobboclown scared you? Is that why you took this job as Jaxson's personal chef, just so you could get some sort of twisted revenge against the clown race? Jaxson never did anythign to you (I assume). Gobbochef, you're a racist! It gets even worse once Jaxson is finished with his meal...
Suddenly the words "Block the Baseballs" appear above him, and something appears on Jaxson's face. It took me quite a while to figure out that it was:
I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a catcher's baseball mask. Whatever it is, suddenly Gobbochef starts darting out of the holes in the walls and throwing baseballs at Jaxson's windows! Just fire that litte pice of s**t, Jaxson. He's no good for you. I don't care how good his flying food tastes, it's just not worth keeping this guy around. Althought your local window repair place must love him. Maybe they're in cahoots. Soon it's time for...
And now here we have Jaxson decked out in his clown finery, as the sun sinks beautifully in the west. Actually if you look back at the pictures of breakfast, you'll notice that the sun sinks only a few degrees away from where it rises. Where does this game take place? Somewhere in the arctic or antarctic? What kind of circus does Jaxson work for?
This time Jaxson gets to eat several courses of dinner food, like burgers and steaks... six or seven of each. Also Gobbochef thought it would be funny to throw a bar of soap in with the food periodically. Ha, ha. Very funny, Gobbochef.
I should also mention Gobbochef's assistant. You think Gobbochef can make three six-course meals a day all by himself? Come on, he's Gobbochef, not some sort of a culinary god! He's not an Iron Chef yet! He needs a helper. Although the helper doesn't seem to do very much. If Jaxson ever bounces his nose too close to one of the holes in the walls, though...
The assistant nabs it! Look at him!
He then teleports to a random other hole and chucks Jaxson's nose at the windows. Jerk. They're all jerks! Jaxson needs to fire his entire staff and start over. You can't find good help these days, I tells ya! Especially if you hire only rasist clown-haters.
Honestly, this is as far as I've ever gotten in the game. I can only play it for so long before I start to sympathise with Jaxson too much and have to turn it off. That poor, poor, clown. He was just trying to help out a goblin and some tiny, tiny man who looks kind of like a red version of the hamburgler. This is how they repay his kindness. Sigh. Someday, Jaxson, you and your rubber neck and physics-defying nose will be able to eat a meal in peace! I swear it!
I was totally delighted when I found this game. I've never seen anything like it before or since. The gameplay is basically a video game version of the classic children's game Jacks, where you have to bound a ball and then pick up as many spiky things off the ground as you can before you catch the ball again. I dunno, I never actually played it, and I never met anybody else who has. But it's in a lot of cartoons and old movies and stuff, so people used to play it! Honest!
I think Snacks'n Jaxson might have been originally played with one of those roller trackballs made popular by Centipede and Missile Command. The play control is pretty loose, so sometimes it's harder to get Jaxson's giant head to grab the food than you'd think it'd be. But anyway, if you want, you can click below to be tormented by Gobbochef and his assistant all you want!
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