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I's Gots Me a Christmas Tree!

A Tour of Christmas Decorations 2002

Carrie and I got a tree and decorated it! Look!

We got a really pretty tree this year. I'm not sure exactly what kind it is, but it has a little problem in that it's trunk and branches are pretty thin, so they can't support a whole heck of a lot of weight. Nevertheless it is very nice, and here are some details that you might not be able to see from that far-away shot above.

This is our retro superheroes section. There's a Superfreinds lunchbox and thermos set, and and old-school Catwoman. These ornaments are all from Hallmark, believe it or not.

That's Blossom in the lower right corner, and the Peanuts gang ice skating to the lower left. Buttercup is kind of hiding towards the top of the picuture, and you can't see him, but Sugar Bear (of Super Golden Crisp fame) is kind of around the corner behind everybody here.

Buzz and Woody can't share a branch. Just can't. Jack (of Jack in the Box fame) is just out of frame riding a reindeer.

Here, of course, is the Angry Beef ornament that was available last year. There are some new ones available this year that look to be of much better quality. CLICK HERE to see for yourself!

I got this ornament on Christmas when I was ONE YEAR OLD. If you can't make out the writing on the runner of the sled, it says, "Christopher 1978." Damn, I equal an old man. You can kind of see Pikachu hiding to the left there. He's that big yellow blob.

That's Hello Kitty decked out in her "Geisha Ho" outfit. What tree would be complete without one?

Here at last is a picture of both Jack and Sugar Bear (kind of).

And of course what Christmas tree would be complete without some damned robots? This is another Hallmark ornament. It was actually part one of three. The second one was an alien robot in a little spaceship. It was all right. The last one (taht came out this year) was a robodog. It was only okay. I only got the first one, 'cuase they're like 14 bucks a piece! Greaty googly-moogly! Funky buttloving, that's expensive.

And that's another robot. I think this one is actually supposed to be a key chain, but he just so durned cute, how could we resist putting him on our tree? How? I'm serious; I'd like to know, so that maybe I could harness that power.

Anyway. Here's a tour around my apartment to look at the various decorations that we've put up this year in order to make the holidays just a little brighter... and just a little bit more magical. And by magical, yes, I mean satanic (just like the Harry Potter films).

Facing west towards the dining room you can see the paper chains that Neighbor Gary and I made. I discovered this year that it is much easier to make paper chains with a cutting board and a couple staplers than with scissors and glue. It took the two of us like three minutes to make about 12 feet of paper chain.

You can't see it, but hanging in the doorway to the kitchen is some mistletoe for facilitating make-out sessions. Okay, so it's plastic mistletoe. Okay, so it's a mashed piece of green plastic that vaguely resmbles mistletoe. That still counts! Now gimme my smoochies, damn you!

Rotating clockwise around the room, here is the closet and front doors. That's a big-ass sock hanging from the closet. Too big for a human being. Maybe Andre the Giant. But nobody else. And hanging from the front door is a plush Santa, who at this moment has been crushed in half by someone carelessly closing the door on his lower body.

Moving on, here's a shelf top. Candles and a big sack of year-old potpourri. Nothing much of interest here. Sorry to waste your time while your browser struggled to load this picture.

Next shelf over, and we have an interesting structure that's supposed to hold your Christmas cards. We don't use it for that. In fact, we don't use it for anythign except lookin' real purdy up on that shelf.

That little tiny snowman right in front of the not-a-card holder is actually Fat Devil What Wears a Skeleton Costume, now wearing a snowman costume. So I guess I should call him Fat Devil What Wears a Skeleton Costume Wearing a Snowman Costume.

A little bit more clockwise and a little up, and we have the paper chain over the door to the office. Up above on that door shelf you might notice a couple of cards. Well, those are all the Christmas cards that we've gotten this year. Hint, hint.

And now, facing east we have the much more Christmassy-feeling living room. Let's sexplore, shall we? What? What did I say? On the television set there is actually one of the Chuck Jones directed Tom and Jerry cartoons. The Man from U.N.C.L.E. parody one.

Here's the end table next to the rockin' chair, complete with plush gingerbread man not for eating. You can't really tell, but that's Fantastico in that photo there, sleeping next to a plush Santa. Oh, and that small gray object next to the gingerbread man is actually Fantastico's flea comb. Not very Christmassy, you say? Ha! I say ha! So there!

You may have noticed in some of the shots of the Christmas tree this strange star-like object. You didn't notice? Shame on you, you bastards! You should be paying more attention to my photos! Why, if Sherlock Holmes were here (and not in the 22nd century), HE would have seen it. He can look at a building only once, and only breifly, and then be able to tell you how many windows it has on the side he looked at! I bet you don't even know how many windows there are where you work, do you? DO YOU? So who are YOU to talk!? Put YOU in the box!!!

It's actually a whole bunch of pop cans painted silver, glued together in the shape of a star, and festooned with Christmas lights. Carrie found a guy selling them and so she bought one out of the kindness of her heart. I thought it was kinda tacky to have a whole bunch of cans in the window (what is this, a fraternity?), so I made a pretty cardboard star to mount on the back of it.

And those are Rudolph window cling things on the window. Why is Yukon Cornelius floating above the Bumble? To show his superiority over the bouncing beast!

Then in the other tree we have the showstoping decoration: a whole mess of Rudolph action figures all arranged in a beautiful diorama with fake cotton snow and a cardboard backdrop. And more window clings up there. I like it so much, here's a closeup:

And that's what my apartment looks like now, and will look like until New Year's. What do you think of that, Fat Devil What Wears a Skeleton Costume Wearing a Snowman Costume?

Merry Christmas!

-Christopher Grant Harris

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