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Botan Edible Plastic Wrap Candy

I'm a big fan of Japanese candy, so when recently Neighbor Gary gave me this box of Botan Rice candy, I was understandably pleased. If it was near as good as Pocky, then I'd be well off. It looks promising based on the front of the box, what with an apparently hypnotized cat... with a mug handle on its back... and a giant flower. If there are two things that remind me of the great flavor of candy, it's giang flowers and mug/cat hybrids!

Like most Japanese candy that I've come across, this one had excessive packaging. Each tiny little centemeter-squared candy came with its own plastic wrap, which, for some reason, had the letters "JFC" etched into it. Looking around the box, I see that JFC is the name of the San Fransisco-based company that imports this Botan stuff. Oh, okay. I get it. So now, to unwrap and enjoy...

Wait a minute. That was a picture of the unwrapped candy. Now hang on just a minute, Jim. I may not be a doctor, but isn't this going a little bit overboard with packaging? Why the f@#k would you have to wrap a tiny piece of rice candy in TWO layers of plastic wrapping? Is it somehow dangerous to expose Botan Rice Candy to the air for too long a period of time?

What would happen? Best case scenario, it would just turn rock hard and be (mostly) inedible. Worst case scenario and I could see it expanding like one of those little sponges that you dunk in water and they expand into a dinosaur. Except this candy wouldn't expand into any wimpy little sponge dinosaur. Real. Real dinosaur. You know it. Fire breathing. Strength of 50 monsters. With one blow the highest peaks of Mount Everest would fall. Where would be safe from such a menace? Call the army! It's heading towards Yokohama Harbor. It must be drawn to the elctricity at the power plant. Maybe we can use that against it somehow.

GRANT: How would you classify it?

BILLY: Obviously a superpredator. Suchimimus. That snout.

GRANT: They never got that big.

BILLY: Baryonyx?

GRANT: Not with that sail. Spinosaurus Aegypticus.

BILLY: I don't remember that on InGen's list.

GRANT: That's because it wasn't on their list. Who knows what else they were up to?

You know.

As I struggled to unwrap this second layer, I glanced at the box to see if there were any warning labels about dinosaur beasts and/or the script of Jurassic Park III. Oh, wait a minute...

According to a well hidden panel on the flap of the box, it appears that the secondary wrapper is edible! Yikes! (Stripes! Fruit Stripe Gum... and bubblegum). Oh, okay, like Shaft, I can dig it.

So I popped that mother in my jammerin' jaw and—whoa... you know what it feels like when you tear the corner off of a piece of paper and pop it in your mouth? Now wrap that corner of paper around an old, hardened piece of gum, and you'd get pretty much the initial sensation that you get from jamming Botan Rice Candy in your mouth.

But the label was right. Soon enough the plastic melts in your mouth and the liberal coating of sugar just underneath it is able to escape to your tongue and from there into your blood stream. I think this was lemon-flavored Botan Rice Candy. I'm not entirely sure, though, because the inner, edible wrapper kind of dissolves into a sticky, slick paste and it was a little distracting for a while. But at any rate the candy underneath actually tasted pretty good. Not as good as Larb Flavoured Pretz or anything, but not bad. So long as you don't mind the fact that you have to call a 415 area code to get nutritional infomratoin about it, then you should be just fine.

But, oh, no, the fun don't stop there, baby!

This pale baby carrying a stick of golden grapes and wearing a very fancy hat is so kind to inform us that there is a free children's sticker inside! Not inside him, I assume. No, no, silly. Inside the box. I had missed it when I got out the candy. I had also missed that it says the exact same message on the front of the box. So shut up.

Here it is! Let me tell you. A pink elephant driving a van. Yes, sir. Uh-huh. Mmm-hmm. A pink van. Well, I don't even have to buy another toy so long as I live. This is all the fun I'll ever need. Right, Ocean Shores Pirate?

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