A Halloween Project For
The Ocean Shores Pirate
Well, halloween rolls around once again, and what can you do to make this year any different from the countless hundreds and thousands that you've experienced before (assuming you're an immortal who was born hundreds and thousands of years ago)?
Let's make a crafts project!
How about it, Ocean Shores Pirate?
"Arr, methinks it been a might bit too long since last ye been writing an article fer this here website, matey."
Point well taken, Ocean Shores Pirate. What can I say? I been busy. I wrote that really long one about that Monster Bash video game a while ago.
"Arr, that be true... if'n by awhile ago ye be meaning months stacked mast-high upon more months!"
No, only three or four! C'mon, Ocean Shores Pirate, wouldn't you like to do something fun this year?
"Seein' as how I were completely dis-regarded last All-Hallow's Eve, I be rip-roarin' t'get me some sorta action, matey!"
All right. Let's make a fun Halloween decoration. You'll need four things:
- A glue stick
- A scissors
- Some black tissue paper
- One of these Asian-style paper lanterns:
"Ye be lucky I just be returnin' from a highly profitable trip t'the Orient. I just be so happening to be havin' one o' them paper lantern things."
Good to hear! Is it orange?
"D'ye want t'be tasting th' cold steel o' me saber as it slip-slides down yer throat t'rest in yer belly? Of course it be orange-colored! What kind o' pirate d'ye think I be?
Just making sure. Now take your construction paper and cut out the type of eyes, nose, and mouth that you'd carve into a pumpkin.
"I seem t'remember a couple o' years back I tried teachin' such a skill to a couple o' wee-brained scallywags. Turned out 'tis harder than it might seem."
You were teaching a toy mummy and a toy devil.
"Arr, that were a fat devil what dressed up like a skeleton!"
Fine. Once you've gotten your face parts cut out, very carefully apply glue stick to the backsides of them.
"Har, har! 'Tis reminding me of th' time when I applied me boot to the backside of a particularly scurvy shipmate o' mine, and watched with glee the splash that he caused when he done hit the briney deep!"
You have to be careful because tissue paper is notoriously fragile, and you don't want to rip it after you spent all that time carefully cutting out face parts.
"I be tryin' to think o' a good joke t'make about cutting out fragile face parts, but me rum-soaked brain be to addled at the moment to think of naught but a dog drinkin' a beer while a squid sadly watches."
After you've got glue on the back of a face part, apply it to the lantern. Soon you'll have a mighty jack-o-lantern!
"Har-har! That squid be wantin' that beer so bad he can taste it!"
And there you have it. Just hang it like you regularly would, and you've got yourself a delightful halloween decoration for this, the best of all holidays.
"Sorry, squiddy, me boy! That dog don't seem t'be the sharin' type!
"Wait a minute. Ye be meanin' to tell me that yer done with the project already? Ye blabberin' boor, that took ye no time a'tall to describe, and ye only showed the before an' after pictures!"
Well, yeah. I never said it was a hard projetct, did I? And I figure people can figure out how to cut out jack-o-lantern face parts without me having to show it.
"Ye not only wasted my time, but ye wasted the time o' the good, upstanding folks who be readin' this article! Shame should be spreadin' through yer bones just as me own rum-enriched urine be spreadin' through me trousers at this very moment!"
Ocean Shores Pirate, maybe you oughta lay off the rum for a while.
"Stop squaking in me brain like a fly what's been caught in a bottle! How d'ye expect a piece of balsa wood with an unskilled drawing of a pirate upon it t'get any peace!? The booze be all I have in this here whole entire world! Ye won't be takin' it away from me, or me sword will be takin' something much more precious away from yer body—namely yer bloody ugly head!"
You can also hang this jack-o-lantern lantern outside if you want, to greet kids on Halloween Night.
So that's about it for this project. I hope you all have—
"What're ye tryin' t'do, matey? D'ye want the Ocean Shores Pirate t'be miserable for his entire loathsome life? Let me have me rum! And give that damned squid some while yer at it. He's so hanged thirsty his ink could dry in his mangy tentacles!"
I'm trying to ignore you.
"Arr, and I be tryin' to ignore the hallucin-ations that be floatin' before me befuddled eyes, yet I still be seein a man holdin' a sammitch with earlobes that be over nine feet long!"
I thought this was a fun little project. What did you think Ocean Shores Pirate?
"I be as ripe as a melon what's been sittin' underneath the junior high school stadium bleachers for the entire off-season!"