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Those Damned Koopas:
Some Mario Kart Advice

Recently my lovely lady friend and I played a "friendly" game of Mario Kart: Double Dash. We played Mushroom Cup on 50cc. And it is with a combined feeling of shame and pride that I can say definitively the she whooped my skinny little ass. Shame because she whooped MY skinny little ass. Pride because SHE whooped my skinny little ass. You see, I've always prided myself on my Mario Kart skillz. I thought they were mad, those skillz. But Carrie, who I trained, came in first in all four tracks of the Mushroom Cup (Luigi Raceway, Peach Beach, Baby Park, & Dry, Dry Desert), while I came in second each time. At last, the student has surpassed the master.

I could blame it all on the fact that I hadn't played MK:DD (okay, I absolutely HATE that acronym and shall never use it again) in a couple of months, but then again she hadn't played for a couple of months, either. No, what I credit for her victory (other than her increasing skill) is very simple:

Those damned Koopas.

There is something quite unusual in Mario Kart: Double Dash, and that is the fact that the characters aren't really all that well balanced when it comes to winning. Whoever picks the Koopas kicks all ass. Let's break it down, shall we? What makes the Koopas the ass-kickers of the kart course?

Red turtle shells coming out of their asses.

You see, the Koopas have two specials; they can get either three green turtle shells or three red turtle shells. And unlike all the other racers, the chance of receiving your special does not decrease the better you are doing. It's still highly probably that you'll end up juggling three red turtle shells when you're in first place.

This doesn't quite seem fair, does it? You only ever get my favorite special in the game, the babies' Chain Chomp, if you're like in 5th place or worse.

And the princesses' circling heart things? Good luck, my friend! The only other characters who get their specials in first place are the Kongs with their giant-assed bananas.

And which would you rather have when someone passes you, knocking you into 2nd place? A giant banana that has basically a 0.0374% chance of connecting with your foe if you throw it ahead of you, or three red turtle shells with which you can repeatedly mangle said opponent?

Clearly, the clear choice is clear.

Although, if you want to mix it up some, I suggest selecting both a Kong and a Koopa. Why? It's simple. You can use the Koopa's red turtle shells to get you into first place, and then when you're there you can switch to the Kong and use them giant bananas to royally screw over the peeps behind you. Makes sense, no? I suggest Diddy Kong (because he's small, and therefore won't overbalance the kart to the heavy side) and Paratroopa (because, let's face it, it's got a red turtle shell with freakin' wings on it). I also suggest using Paratroopa's kart (the red one with the wings, because, let's face it, it's got a red turtle shell with freakin' wings on it), or if you've unlocked it, the Bullet Bill kart (because, let's face it, Bullet Bill is the greatest Mario character of all time; he's a god damn living bullet).

But, boy, let me tell you. You wanna defeat me and my special lady friend? Then (As they say in the movie Bring it On) when you go to Nationals... bring it. Don't slack off because you feel sorry for us. That way, when we beat you, we'll know it's because we're better.

Torrence: Oh, we'll bring it. Don't worry.

Isis: I never do.

Related Links:

~Bring it On
~Mario Kart: Double Dash

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