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What if I Were Oscar?

We all know who won the Oscars this year (2005). Million Dollar Baby. Clint Eastwood. Jamie Foxx. Katherine Hepburn. Morgan Freeman. Hilary Swank.

But you know that Oscar himself didn't have any say about who he was given to. That was the Academy's doings. I've always wondered to whom Oscar would give himself if he had the option.

Then I started wondering. What if I were Oscar? What if I had the power to give myself to whomever I wanted? What would I do then? Can I actually remember all of the 2004 movies that I've seen (since I forgot to keep track of them)?

Let's find out... together!

Best Supporting Actor:


I would give myself to Alfred Molina for an absolutely brilliant, understated performance as a man driven slightly mad by tragedy and the influence of some terribly pragmatic-minded robotic arms. Molina's Otto Octavius is one of the greatest comic book villain portrayals of all time on the big screen.

Also Nominated:

  • Macaulay Culkin - Saved!
  • Willem Dafoe - The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
  • Tim Meadows - Mean Girls
  • Aaron Ruell - Napoleon Dynamite

Best Supporting Actress:


There is something really special about Tina Fey's simple, straightforward portrayal of a math teacher. I think it's because unlike almost any other high school movie I've ever seen, Tina Fey managed to ground her character in absolute realism. In fact it's the restraint Fey shows in this role that won me over. And the straw that broke the camel's back is the simple astonishment she registers after Tim Meadows says, "You're an intelligent, attractive, successful woman." She simply says, "I am?" but it's as though she has never even considered any of those qualities before.

Also Nominated:

  • Kirsten Dunst - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Tina Majorino - Napoleon Dynamite
  • Mary-Louise Parker - Saved!
  • Lily Tomlin - I Heart Huckabees

Best Actress:


This is just a remarkable performance. Such energy. Such radiance. Besides the great comedic timing and heart-wrenching emotions displayed by Ms. Portman, there are certain indefinable intangibles that made her simply fly off the screen in this movie. Wonderful to watch.

Also Nominated:

  • Kirsten Dunst - Spider-Man 2
  • Virginia Madsen - Sideways
  • Uma Thurman - Kill Bill vol 2
  • Kate Winslett - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Best Actor:


How could it be anybody else? In all of 2004, there was not a single character in any movie with the resonance of Napoleon Dynamite and John's absolutely fearless commitment to the character.

Also Nominated:

  • Zach Braff - Garden State
  • Jim Carrey - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Paul Giamatti - Sideways
  • Tobey Maguire - Spider-Man 2

Best Original Screenplay:


One of the best screenplays I've ever seen on the screen. Simple in plot, complex in theme, sparse and deep, tight tight tight. It is the best superhero script ever written, which is saying quite a lot considering that this is the year that Spider-Man 2 also came out.

Also Nominated:

  • Zach Braff - Garden State
  • Charlie Kauffman - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • David O. Russell & Jeff Baena — I Heart Huckabees
  • Wes Anderson & Noah Baumbach - The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

Best Adapted Screenplay:


Yes, the script for Napoleon Dynamite is based on a short film (Peluca) about basically the same group of characters with some of the same happenings. It also kicks all ass.

Also Nominated:

  • Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor - Sideways
  • Tina Fey - Mean Girls
  • Alvin Sargent - Spider-Man 2

Best Director:


I don't know how much more I can say about Brad Bird, other than to reiterate that he and John Lasseter are perhaps the two greatest filmmakers alive right now.

Also Nominated:

  • Sam Raimi - Spider-Man 2
  • Kerry Conran - Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
  • Michel Gondry - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Alexander Payne - Sideways

Best Picture:


It was really, truly, absolutely no contest. Even in a year when many good films came out, they were all pond scum on the bottom of a pond compared to the might and majesty of The Incredibles.

Also Nominated:

  • Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
  • Spider-Man 2
  • Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Sideways
  • Napoleon Dynamite

Looks like I'd give myself to The Incredibles again and again. I'd give myself without hesitation or remorse. That sounds vaguely sexual. Now I'm uncomfortable.

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