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My Oscar Picks:
Voting by Default

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again. The Academy Awards are just a couple of weeks away, so I thought I'd go through the list of nominees and pick who on the list I would vote for were I granted the powers of the allmighty Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences.

Come along with me, won't you? Won't!?

Performance by an actor in a leading role

  • Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Capote”
  • Terrence Howard in “Hustle & Flow”
  • Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain”
  • Joaquin Phoenix in “Walk the Line”
  • David Strathairn in “Good Night, and Good Luck.”

Chris's Pick:
Hmm... well, the only movie I saw on that list was "Good Night, and Good Luck." Therefore I vote for David Straithairn. Congrats, Dave!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

  • George Clooney in “Syriana”
  • Matt Dillon in “Crash”
  • Paul Giamatti in “Cinderella Man”
  • Jake Gyllenhaal in “Brokeback Mountain”
  • William Hurt in “A History of Violence”

Chris's Pick:
Uh, oh... I didn't see any of the films on that list. Umm... I'll vote for George Clooney, because he was also in "Good Night, and Good Luck," which was very good. Congrats, George!

Performance by an actress in a leading role

  • Judi Dench in “Mrs. Henderson Presents”
  • Felicity Huffman in “Transamerica”
  • Keira Knightley in “Pride & Prejudice”
  • Charlize Theron in “North Country”
  • Reese Witherspoon in “Walk the Line”

Chris's Pick:
I didn't see any of these movies either. Umm... I'm not sure if I saw any of these actresses in any other movies this year, either. Shitburgers! Umm... I'll vote for Keira Knightley because she's the only one of these actresses to appear in an ANGRY BEEF Sighting. Congrats, Keira!

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

  • Amy Adams in “Junebug”
  • Catherine Keener in “Capote”
  • Frances McDormand in “North Country”
  • Rachel Weisz in “The Constant Gardener”
  • Michelle Williams in “Brokeback Mountain”

Chris's Pick:
I see an unforunate trend going on here. I once again did not see ANY of the films on that list. Therefore I'm voting for Catherine Keener, 'cause she kicked ass in "The 40-Year-Old Virgin." She was a hot grandma. Congrats, Cathy!

Best animated feature film of the year

  • “Howl’s Moving Castle”
    Hayao Miyazaki
  • “Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride”
    Tim Burton and Mike Johnson
  • “Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit”
    Nick Park and Steve Box

Chris's Pick:
*Gasp* *Snort* *Cough* *Sputter* I actually saw TWO of the films on that list. Two out of three! All right! I'm back in the saddle again! I didn't see "Howl's" and between "Corpse" and "Curse" the winner is hands down "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit."

Best animated short film

  • “Badgered”
    Sharon Colman
  • “The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation”
    John Canemaker and Peggy Stern
  • “The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello”
    Anthony Lucas
  • “9”
    Shane Acker
  • “One Man Band”
    Andrew Jimenez and Mark Andrews

Chris's Pick:
How are you supposed to see animated short films now that they don't hardly play them in front of every full-length movie? I like Pixar stuff, so maybe I'll vote for "One Man Band." But I don't recognize the names of the directors of that one off the top of my head, whereas I do recognize John Canemaker's name (though I can't place where I know it from). Ah, well, good enough. I vote for "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation."

Best live action short film

  • “Ausreisser (The Runaway)”
    Ulrike Grote
  • “Cashback”
    Sean Ellis and Lene Bausager
  • “The Last Farm”
    Rúnar Rúnarsson and Thor S. Sigurjónsson
  • “Our Time Is Up”
    Rob Pearlstein and Pia Clemente
  • “Six Shooter”
    Martin McDonagh

Chris's Pick:
*Sigh* Do I have to vote in every category? Do actualy, real-life members of the AoMPAaS have to vote in every category? Well, screw them! This is my article; I'll vote or not-vote as I damned well please!

Achievement in art direction

  • “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
    Art Direction: Jim Bissell
    Set Decoration: Jan Pascale
  • “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”
    Art Direction: Stuart Craig
    Set Decoration: Stephenie McMillan
  • “King Kong”
    Art Direction: Grant Major
    Set Decoration: Dan Hennah and Simon Bright
  • “Memoirs of a Geisha”
    Art Direction: John Myhre
    Set Decoration: Gretchen Rau
  • “Pride & Prejudice”
    Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood
    Set Decoration: Katie Spencer

Chris's Pick:
Between "Good Night" and "King Kong" I'm going to vote for "King Kong" because I probably could have art-directed "Good Night" with a handful of references to what broadcasting equipment looked like back in the day. Whereas the "King Kong" people had to come up with stuff that didn't actually exist.

Achievement in cinematography

  • “Batman Begins”
    Wally Pfister
  • “Brokeback Mountain”
    Rodrigo Prieto
  • “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
    Robert Elswit
  • “Memoirs of a Geisha”
    Dion Beebe
  • “The New World”
    Emmanuel Lubezki

Chris's Pick:
I'm picking "Good Night, and Good Luck" over "Batman Begins" because "Good Night" really evoked a wonderful mood of the times, and "Batman Begins" I thought did not properly evoke the sense of Gotham City. It just looked like frikkin' Chicago, which is not what Gotham City is s'posed to look like.

Achievement in costume design

  • “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
    Gabriella Pescucci
  • “Memoirs of a Geisha”
    Colleen Atwood
  • “Mrs. Henderson Presents”
    Sandy Powell
  • “Pride & Prejudice”
    Jacqueline Durran
  • “Walk the Line”
    Arianne Phillips

Chris's Pick:
I vote for "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" because Johnny Depp's costumes had crazy hats! And it's the only movie on that list that I saw.

Best documentary feature

  • “Darwin’s Nightmare”
    A Mille et Une Production
    Hubert Sauper
  • “Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room”
    An HDNet Films Production
    Alex Gibney and Jason Kliot
  • “March of the Penguins”
    A Bonne Pioche Production
    Luc Jacquet and Yves Darondeau
  • “Murderball”
    An Eat Films Production
    Henry-Alex Rubin and Dana Adam Shapiro
  • “Street Fight”
    A Marshall Curry Production
    Marshall Curry

Chris's Pick:
I'm not voting for any of these films, because I didn't see any of them. Yeah, that's right; I didn't see "March of the Penguins." You got a problem with that? Well, suck it, fat boy! I didn't go see no penguin shit! Ha!

Best documentary short subject

  • “The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club”
    A Dan Krauss Production
    Dan Krauss
  • “God Sleeps in Rwanda”
    An Acquaro/Sherman Production
    Kimberlee Acquaro and Stacy Sherman
  • “The Mushroom Club”
    A Farallon Films Production
    Steven Okazaki
  • “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin”
    A NomaFilms Production
    Corinne Marrinan and Eric Simonson

Chris's Pick:
Where was I supposed to have seen any of these films? I vote for none and nothing!

Achievement in film editing

  • “Cinderella Man”
    Mike Hill and Dan Hanley
  • “The Constant Gardener”
    Claire Simpson
  • “Crash”
    Hughes Winborne
  • “Munich”
    Michael Kahn
  • “Walk the Line”
    Michael McCusker

Chris's Pick:
I've always thought that the editing category was the most "pull the nominees out of your ass" category of the whole show. What makes the editing of "Walk the Line" worthy of an Oscar over any other film of the year? Also, I didn't see any of these movies.

Best foreign language film of the year

  • “Don’t Tell”
    Italy
  • “Joyeux Noël”
    France
  • “Paradise Now”
    Palestine
  • “Sophie Scholl - The Final Days”
    Germany
  • “Tsotsi”
    South Africa

Chris's Pick:
I didn't see any of these films, but I do know that in French "Joyeux Noel" means "Merry Christmas." So I'm voting for "Joyeux Noel" Congrats, Francy!

Achievement in makeup

  • “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
    Howard Berger and Tami Lane
  • “Cinderella Man”
    David Leroy Anderson and Lance Anderson
  • “Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith”
    Dave Elsey and Nikki Gooley

Chris's Pick:
I'm starting to get tired just typing this. I'd hate to think how bored you are reading this far down the list. We're almost there; hold on! I'll pick "Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith" over "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" because the "Star Wars" title is several words shorter than the "Narnia" title. That, and I didn't like the makeup on the dumb-assed centaurs in "Narnia." And also I can't in good conscience give an Oscar to a movie I only gave one-and-a-half stars in my review.

Achievement in music (Original score)

  • “Brokeback Mountain” Gustavo Santaolalla
  • “The Constant Gardener” Alberto Iglesias
  • “Memoirs of a Geisha” John Williams
  • “Munich” John Williams
  • “Pride & Prejudice” Dario Marianelli

Chris's Pick:
What? Danny Elfman didn't get nominated for anything!? I'm boycotting that section just outta spite! It has nothing to do with the fact that I didn't see any of those movies!

Achievement in music (Original song)

  • “In the Deep” from “Crash”
    Music by Kathleen “Bird” York and Michael Becker
    Lyric by Kathleen “Bird” York
  • “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” from“Hustle & Flow”
    Music and Lyric by Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard
  • “Travelin’ Thru” from “Transamerica”
    Music and Lyric by Dolly Parton

Chris's Pick:
Remember back in the day when three of the five songs nominated for Best Original Song were from a Disney movie? Wasn't that weird? Well, I guess not as weird as Dolly Parton being nominated, and certainly not as weird as a song being nominated that has the word "Pimp" in the title. Just for that, I'm voting for "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp," even though I didn't see that movie. I just want to hear the Oscar announcer say it during the broadcast.

Achievement in sound editing

  • “King Kong”
    Mike Hopkins and Ethan Van der Ryn
  • “Memoirs of a Geisha”
    Wylie Stateman
  • “War of the Worlds” Richard King

Chris's Pick:
Another "out of the ass" category, which will see me voting for "King Kong" because, yes, it did have sound in it.

Achievement in sound mixing

  • “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
    Terry Porter, Dean A. Zupancic and Tony Johnson
  • “King Kong”
    Christopher Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges and Hammond Peek
  • “Memoirs of a Geisha”
    Kevin O’Connell, Greg P. Russell, Rick Kline and John Pritchett
  • “Walk the Line”
    Paul Massey, D.M. Hemphill and Peter F. Kurland
  • “War of the Worlds”
    Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer and Ronald Judkins

Chris's Pick:
Once again I'm voting for "King Kong" but once again it's more of a vote against "Narnia" than anything else.

Achievement in visual effects

  • “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”
    Dean Wright, Bill Westenhofer, Jim Berney and Scott Farrar
  • “King Kong”
    Joe Letteri, Brian Van’t Hul, Christian Rivers and Richard Taylor
  • “War of the Worlds”
    Dennis Muren, Pablo Helman, Randy Dutra and Daniel Sudick

Chris's Pick:
Ha ha! "Star Wars" wasn't even nominated! Suck it, Lucas; you can't win! I'm voting for "King Kong" because even though some of the CGI dinosaurs and bugs were far from convincing, Kong himself was frikkin' amazing, and they didn't screw up the simplest little bluescreen shot like the ass-idiots who made "Narnia" did.

Adapted screenplay

  • “Brokeback Mountain”
    Screenplay by Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana
  • “Capote”
    Screenplay by Dan Futterman
  • “The Constant Gardener”
    Screenplay by Jeffrey Caine
  • “A History of Violence”
    Screenplay by Josh Olson
  • “Munich”
    Screenplay by Tony Kushner and Eric Roth

Chris's Pick:
I didn't know "Munich" was adapted from something. What was it? Hmm... I wonder. Oh well. I won't vote for anything on account of not seeing anything.

Original screenplay

  • “Crash”
    Screenplay by Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco
    Story by Paul Haggis
  • “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
    Screenplay by George Clooney & Grant Heslov
  • “Match Point”
    Written by Woody Allen
  • “The Squid and the Whale”
    Written by Noah Baumbach
  • “Syriana”
    Written by Stephen Gaghan

Chris's Pick:
I thought "Syriana" was adapted from a book by that former CIA guy. Wasn't it? I guess I'm voting for "Good Night, and Good Luck" even though a good portion of the film wasn't scripted at all; it was archival footage. Say, why isn't "Good Night" considered adapted, too?

Achievement in directing

  • “Brokeback Mountain”
    Ang Lee
  • “Capote”
    Bennett Miller
  • “Crash”
    Paul Haggis
  • “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
    George Clooney
  • “Munich”
    Steven Spielberg

Chris's Pick:
Holy shit! I'm voting for George Cloony by default! I'm voting to give George Clooney an Oscar for Best Director! Woot!

Best motion picture of the year

  • “Brokeback Mountain”
    Diana Ossana and James Schamus, Producers
  • “Capote”
    Caroline Baron, William Vince and Michael Ohoven, Producers
  • “Crash”
    Paul Haggis and Cathy Schulman, Producers
  • “Good Night, and Good Luck.”
    Grant Heslov, Producer
  • “Munich”
    Kathleen Kennedy, Steven Spielberg and Barry Mendel, Producers

Chris's Pick:
Well, Congratulations "Good Night, and Good Luck" for being voted as Best Picture of the Year due to the fact that I didn't see any of the other films that were nominated. I bet that makes you feel good, no?

So, in the final talley we have:

  1. "Good Night, and Good Luck" with a whopping 6 Oscars
  2. "King Kong" with a follow-up of 3 Oscars
  3. Everybody else who only won 1 Oscar.

Man, I guess I didn't see very many "good" films last year, did I? I guess my taste in movies is just lame-o. Double lame-o. Double lame-o donkey dick, sucking on the witch's tit.

I went somehwere else at the end there, didn't I?

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